My fish has a lot of catfish in it

Please pay attention because this post covers a lot of territory in a short time and it wouldn’t do if you got caught short casting your worm in troubled waters with the other metaphor mixers.

The US government seems to have a problem. It seems that the nation’s catfish are tragically wimpy. This is such a huge problem that the US government has gathered up $878,046 and thrown it at researchers at Auburn University in the US state of Alabama to do something about the unmanly catfish. I don’t know, but I would guess that Auburn got the money because it has such a tough football team. Not only have the Tigers played in the actual Chick-fil-A Bowl, but that team even has actual computer desktop wallpaper.

What could be more logical than turning over 25 million baht to Auburn to stop all this catfish emasculation that’s going on.

Quite a few things, actually.

In the first place. Look, Auburn, these are not catfish, two of them in the palms of your hand for heaven’s sake.

This is a catfish!

Notice the difference? Two in one hand versus one pulled out of the Thai side of the Mekong River measuring two arm spans? (Note: Yes, those timorous US versions don’t even look like catfish, more like sickly speckled trout, but the Auburn folks say they are catfish fingerlings and they are scientists.)

Now, if you really wanted to develop catfish a little more virile than the one-bite variety, you might want to study really big, proud and tasty catfish. Not that there’s anything wrong with grovelling for 25 million baht of taxpayer donations, mind you.

What we deserve to know, though, is why the US government and Auburn University money-grubbers are fixated on making tough, roughneck catfish, when they also are dedicated to wiping out what Americans believe a fish breed that is so tough and potent and downright scary that they have created an entire website name for the fish, Invasive Species Info.

Yes, I’m talking snakehead, pla chon, the world’s tastiest fish and also one that will take your piddly Alabama catfish and tear it limb from limb and, well, eat it. And by the way that “giant” snakehead in the video? It is 11 inches long, okay?

You want an aggressive, delicious fish? And you’re spending 25 million baht on building a catfish on steroids? Tell you what, all you US congresspersons so quick to spend your citizens’ money: Give me, oh, heck, 20 million, and I’ll fix you up with a dish that — heh, heh — has a lot of catfish blood in it.

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